Bubba Meets Jesus

September 27, 2003

If you don’t know my son or anything about him please visit, “Bubba’s Life and Struggles” page. It will give you a little background history on him.

On Friday, Sept. 26, 2003 I woke Bubba up for school. It was around 6:30. Like any other morning, I would do what I did everyday. I start out by getting all his sugar, change his diaper, brush his teeth, get him dressed, give him his breathing treatment and his processor treatment and then start his feeding.

Bubba was tube feed. He couldn’t eat by mouth because he had reflux bad and he also had a swallowing disorder. Therefore, he had to be feed with a feeding tube that went straight into his stomach. It took about 35 minutes to feed him and he ate like this about 5 times a day.

I had our country music on, like always. Bubba and I would always listen to country music. We also watched the CMT top 20 countdown every evening at 7pm. One of Bubba’s favorite songs was, “Who’s Your Daddy”, by Toby Keith. That song would always put a smile on Bubba's face.

After Bubba got dressed, feed and all ready for school he was falling back to sleep. He didn’t really want to get up, so I wasn’t really sure if he felt good. I asked him if he wanted to stay home with mama and right away he started blowing me kisses. That meant, YES!

Bubba couldn’t talk, not like you or me, but he could say a few words and that was only when “he” wanted to say them. He could “coo” and make sounds and “talk in his own way”. One of the main ways Bubba communicated with us was by him “blowing kisses”. We could ask him a question and he would answer “yes” by blowing us kisses or with “no” by not given us any kisses at all.

So, when I asked him if he wanted to stay home with mama, he said, yes by blowing me several kisses. I called the bus barn to let them know that he wouldn’t be going to school, so they could tell his bus driver. I always did this on the days Bubba wouldn’t be going to school because we live so far out in the country.

I left Bubba’s TV on in his bedroom and it wasn’t long when he fell back to sleep. He woke up about an hour and a half to two hours later. I always check on him when he’s sleeping to make sure he’s alright. About 10 am I heard him laughing. So, I went to check on him. He was laughing at a cartoon that was on. I don’t remember the name of it, but it was about a dog that went to school. He really thought that was a funny cartoon. 

I love to see my son laugh. I remember telling him that morning how much I love seeing him smile and hearing him laugh. I would always tell my son that, “he was a gift from God” and “I wouldn’t know what I would do without him”. I’ve told my son that many many times.
Bubba had a good day staying home and playing hooky with his mom.

Around 4 that afternoon he started getting a little fussy. I told him that it was almost time for his dad to get off work and that he was coming home to get all his sugar. He smiled this huge smile. I always called his dad his toy. He loved his daddy.

When his dad got home he was all smiles and laughing at his dad. I was a little worried because he had been a little fussy. His dad told me that Bubba just knew how to get what he wanted and that Bubba had me wrapped around his finger. It’s true, and he did, I would do anything for my son and I would give him what he wanted when he wanted it. He’s hurt too much for too long, so yes he deserved to be happy. 

He’s dad got out the Elk call and started blowing it for Bubba and he was laughing so hard that I had to say, “Bubba take a breath and breathe”. His dad had to stop blowing the elk call so Bubba could calm down some and breathe a little better. Bubba’s dad had been on an elk hunt and had just gotten back 10 days earlier with an elk for Bubba that he killed. It was “Bubba’s elk”.

Bubba went to bed sometime around 9:30. Again he started getting a little fussy. Bubba’s little brother, Andrew and his dad was playing the game for Bubba. I asked Bubba if he needed any medicine and he blew me a kiss, so I gave him some Advil. He wasn’t crying, but I worry about him if he gets fussy. I asked him if his stomach hurt, but he didn’t blow me any kisses. He couldn’t have BM’s on his own. I always had to give him a fleet enema. I gave him one because it had been a while since he had a BM and that could make his stomach hurt.

I sat him up in his bed and he had his keys in his left hand. He liked his keys. He liked the noise that he could make with them. I got Bubba up out of his bed and held him in the rocking chair, gave him a breathing treatment and he watched the guys play the game for him. When I picked Bubba up to put him back in his bed he let out a cry. So, I thought his chest must hurt him. Bubba stayed congested because of the reflux and because of the lung disease he had. I got his processor out and gave him a treatment. This helps loosen the mucus in his chest. 

One minute he had me worrying about him and the next minute he was laughing. The guys played the game for Bubba for a couple of hours and then his dad went to bed because he was planning on getting up to go hunting the next morning. Andrew played the game a little longer for Bubba and then he went to his bedroom.

I asked Bubba if he wanted me and him to go lay with Andrew in his bed with him, but he didn’t blow me any kisses. I waited for a few minutes but still nothing. I asked him if he wanted mama to lay in his bed with him and within a second he was blowing me kiss after kiss after kiss. He blew me about 10 to 12 kisses in all. So, I slide him over a little and crawled in his bed with him. He was smiling so big and he was happy that mama was lying in his bed with him. We had his television on the cartoon channel and he was in mama’s arms.

Even though Bubba wasn’t crying it wasn’t like him to be fussy, unless something was bothering him. While he and I were lying there I started asking him if questions. Does your head hurt? Stomach hurt? Chest hurt? Leg hurt? But he never through me any kisses. Bubba was talking up a storm but I couldn’t understand what he was saying to me. I couldn’t figure out what he was trying to tell me. I even remember telling him, “I wish I could understand what you are trying to tell mama” and I cried, but I didn’t want him to hear me crying, so I tried my best not to let him know. 

I asked him if he wanted to lie on my tummy and right away he blew me kisses. So, I put my son on my tummy, held him tight, and got all his sugar and I told him just how much mama loved him. Bubba was still talking to me, but I just couldn’t make out what he was saying. I propped his elbows with my shoulders so he could lift up his head. He lifts up his head and was still talking to me. After a few minutes he laid his head down on my chest and I held him tight. We both dosed off for about 20 minutes or so. We woke up and because he was hot I laid him back by my side and I held him close and stayed with him until 1am. I got ready for bed but before going to bed I went to check on Bubba and he was asleep.

Bubba and I are both night owls. It normally takes us a while before we go to sleep. That’s why I don’t understand that night. I didn’t seem to have a problem with going to sleep. Maybe because it was already 1am, I don’t know.

If I had only knew that, that would be the last night with my son I would have never left him.

The next morning, Saturday, September 27th my husband went to wake Bubba up, it was around 9:45am. But instead he woke me and my youngest son up screaming, yelling and crying, “call 911 Bubba isn’t breathing”. That was the moment our lives changed forever. It’s hard to explain. It’s like a nightmare and all you want to do is wake up from it. I was in disbelief. We were all crying and in shock. This can’t be happening. Bubba is always supposed to be with us.

I don’t really remember dialing 911 but I do remember telling the lady on the telephone to send someone fast because my son wasn’t breathing. After giving her our address she started asking me all sorts of dumb questions, so I just hung the phone up. All I wanted was to be with my son. I wanted to hold him and to tell him how much mama loves him. I remember Bubba was so cold and his dad kept saying that he was trying to warm him up. My little man was cold and he was stiff. I held him, kissed him and I did tell him how much I loved him. I remember hearing his dad asking God why? I also questioned God. I couldn’t understand why? Why now? Bubba still had so many lives to touch. We were all three with Bubba, holding him and crying.

The lady from 911 did call back and she spoke with my husband. He also hung up on her. All we wanted was to be with our son. We knew that they couldn't help us. We didn't care for any of the dumb questions.

Bubba had a peaceful look on his face. Like if he had just went to sleep. He had his right arm up, like if it was pointing to the sky and his left arm was straight down by his side.

I don’t remember when but at some point my mother-in-law was called as well as my dad. My mother-in-law lived right down the road from us, so it didn’t take her but a couple minutes to get to our house.

I don’t know at what point, but at one time, I think it was before the ambulance got to the house. I looked down the hallway going into our bedroom and I saw Andrew down on his knees with his little hands under his chin and his head upward, praying to God. I went to him and held him and told him everything was going to be alright. Bubba was with Jesus. I didn’t know what else to say.

The ambulance came, but since Bubba had already passed away they had to call the cornier. A cop came from the Sheriffs office to ask us questions. This upset me and my husband. Here we are facing the loss of our child whom we love more than life itself and this man comes into our home and is standing in my son’s bedroom wanting to ask us questions. I don’t remember any of the questions because I didn’t care what he wanted to ask or what he wanted. I just wanted to stay with my son.

I think he, the cop, had talked with my mother-in-law because I remember her trying to calm my husband down and telling him that he had to ask these questions. When someone dies in there own home they send someone to investigate it. By law they have to do this.

We were all in shock and shed many many tears. There were 2 men and a lady who came from the funeral home. They made us leave Bubba’s bedroom and the two men took my son and put him on a stretcher and covered him up with a white sheet. I’ve seen my son on a stretcher many times, but to see him with a sheet over his little body was something that I will never forget. This lady had been trying to comfort me but to be honest I don’t remember a word she said to me.

The two men that had my son on the stretcher was coming in the living room and my husband stopped them and ask if we could have just a few more minutes with our son. The next thing I knew we had family and friends in our house.

All I wanted was to stay in Bubba’s room. I blamed myself for going to bed the night before. I should have stayed with Bubba all night. I blamed myself for going to sleep. I couldn’t understand why I slept that night when most nights I had trouble falling to sleep.

That morning my husband had his alarm set for 5am. He was going hunting. Whenever he went hunting he would always check on the boys. At 5am when the alarm went off my husband hit the alarm, turned it off and decided to just sleep in. My husband blamed his self for not getting up and going hunting. He said, “if only I had gotten up I would have checked on him”.

My husband blamed his self. I blamed myself. Even my 11 year old son was blaming hisself. There were a lot of 
“If only I…” and “What if’s”.

The cornier stated that my son had passed away around 5am.

It’s been 2 years since the loss of my son. When I think about the night before Bubba went to be with Jesus. I think about that night when he and I were laying in his bed. He was talking to me and trying his best to tell me something. But I just couldn’t understand my little man.

I remember he seemed a little excited, anxious even. Are could he have been scared or nervous? I don’t believe he was hurting because he wasn’t crying. He didn’t seem to be in any pain. It was more like he wanted to tell me something and he tried really hard to tell me.

When I think back on that night, I wonder, was Bubba trying to tell me that he was going home to be with Jesus? Was he trying to tell me that he loved me and that he would always be with me? Was he making sure that I would be alright? Was he making sure that we would all be alright? Was he trying to tell me that everything would be ok? Was he trying to tell me to tell everyone that he loved them? Was he afraid? Was he telling me goodbye? Did he see the light? Did he see the angels coming down from heaven? Did he see the angels all around him? Did he see God open the gates to heaven?

I’ve had so many unanswered questions. But I keep praying and if it’s God’s will, one day He will revile to me exactly what my son was saying to me that night.

It’s taken me a long time, but I believe my son knew it was his time to go. I believe that my son was trying to tell me that everything was going to be alright and that he would never leave me. I’ve always told my son that I wouldn’t know what to do with out him, so I do believe he wanted to make sure that his family would be alright and for me to tell everyone that he loves them. I do believe he saw angels coming down from heaven and I do believe God came to him, reached out HIS arms and said, “Welcome home my Son”.

I’ve always heard that God doesn’t make any mistakes. And I believe that God doesn't make any mistakes. God knew way before Bubba was even in my womb that on Sept. 27, 2003 He would call my son home to be with Him in heaven. It’s taken me a very long time to stop blaming myself for not being in the room with my son that night. God had it all planned. It wasn’t meant for me or my husband to be in his bedroom that night, but I do believe with all my heart that Bubba received his angel wings and he went through the house and kissed us all goodbye….

Bubba you will ALWAYS be loved and NEVER ever will you be forgotten. You are always with me. 
My Angel! My Little Man! My Gift from God!  
I Love You Bubba!

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