I wasn’t raised in church. The only time I remember going to church was with a friend or with my aunt and uncle. My friend attended a Baptist Church and I remember when I was in the 4th grade she and I both got baptized. I didn’t know what being baptized meant. I don’t remember anyone ever explaining to me what that meant. I did not know or understand the meaning of “being saved” or “salvation”. And I sure didn’t know what being baptized meant. Maybe it was because it wasn’t presented to me in a simple Gospel way. I knew there was a God, because I was told that but I didn’t know anything about God.
I remember getting a Bible from a man that came by our house one day in 1975. I don’t remember reading the Bible when I was young, but a few times. I didn’t understand what I was reading. On one occasion I remember memorizing a scripture. Because every morning at school the teacher would pick a student to read a Bible verse and I wanted to be prepared, so when she called on me I would be ready. I memorized John 3:16. The teacher was the one who gave me that Bible verse to memorize.
Growing up, in my teen years, I didn’t attend church. I was like all other teen-agers. Getting into this and that and trying some of this and doing some of that. Or should I say like most of the teen-agers that I knew.
I got pregnant at the age of 16, married at the age of 17 and lost my first child, Shelly, at the age of 17; May 1982. The next 2 years I was having babies. I was nothing but a child myself. I had a daughter in July of ‘83 and a son in August of ‘84. My Son being born a preemie had many health problems he had to face. He was always in and out of the hospitals. I guess you could say I had no time in my life for God. We all make up excuses. I guess I had my excuses. In 1991 I had another son.
I knew there was a God but I kept Him in the back of my mind, so to speak. I was like a lot of people in this world. Call on God when things are bad, when things go wrong, when someone you love is sick or when they die. Then continue living the way you were living, in sin. It’s really a sad way to live.
It’s sad to say this, but it took losing my Son in order for me to wake-up! To realize it’s NOT all about me. To realize how much GOD has done for me. How much He loves me and how much He has blessed me throughout my life. I lost my first child; I had 2 miscarriages and lost my Son when he was 19 y/o. I have 4 babies in heaven. God tries to get our attention, but it’s up to us to listen.
My son, Bubba, went through so much in his 19 years. More than most of us go through in a life time. He had to deal with so much pain and suffering. I can’t help but to think maybe if we had been Godly parents, praying for our children like God intended for us to be, just maybe, maybe they wouldn’t have to go through so much.
I remember so many times when Bubba was in so much pain I would pray for God to “just touch him”. All it would take is just a touch. But why should God listen to a sinner that never acknowledged Him? Only when I wanted something from Him was when I would call on Him.
September 27, 2003 our Lord Jesus Christ took my son home to be with him in heaven. I blamed myself for not being there with him that night. He needed me and I wasn’t there! I felt so much pain. Like my heart was ripped right out of my chest. I wanted to die with him. I don’t believe anyone can begin to understand the pain one feels from losing a child unless you have lost a child yourself. You hear people say, “He’s in a better place” or “He’s not in any more pain” or even something like, “Time heals all wounds”. Excuse me, but those words can not bring my child back and it doesn’t take away the pain or loneliness that a mother feels. It doesn’t make up for him not being here with me; in my arms. And time does NOT heal the pain. My son has been gone now from my arms 2 years and 5 months and the pain is still just as strong now as it was then. I know people mean well and they do not know what to say, but parents who have lost a child would much rather hear you mention their child’s name and some sweet memories of them then to pretend that they never existed at all.
When my son went to heaven my world fell apart. That was the day my life changed forever. For 19 years he and I were always together. My children were and will always be my world. I love all my children and I didn’t love one more than the other. Bubba depended on me more. If you are a parent of a child with disability then you will understand what I am saying. When you have a child with “Special Needs” there’s a bond there and there aren’t any words to explain those feelings. Bubba was my miracle baby boy from day one. For 19 years I changed his diapers and took care of all his needs. Everyday I had to do the things for him that he could not do; brushing his teeth, feeding him to bathing him. And I thank God for being able to be his mom. That to me was a blessing from God.
After Bubba passed away all I could do was cry. Cry and pray. I would get down on my knees and cry out to God. Take me too! The pain was unbearable. I would lie on Bubba’s bed; looking at his pictures or videos and just cry and cry and cry. I missed him so much and I will always miss him. I felt so empty, so alone and lost all in one. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I even had suicidal thoughts. I had panic attacks. I thought I was going crazy. I started reading the Bible. More like clinging to the Bible. I knew my son went to heaven and I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be able to see him do all the things he couldn’t do while he was here on earth. I was a stay at home mom and Bubba was my life. I miss him so much. I’ve come to learn that the pain will never go away and that I have to learn to live with this pain.
I started clinging to my husband and my son because I was so scared something would happen to them as well. I was scared to be alone. I had my son stay out of school many days because I didn’t want to be without him. My daughter lived in California. I just couldn’t believe my baby was gone; that I would never get to hold him again. It was a nightmare I wanted to wake up from. I had this big hole in my heart, a void in my life. So much anger, pain and mood swings. There were so many times all I wanted to do was to stay in bed. Take the sleeping pills and sleep the days and nights away.
My youngest son and I started going to church. I started reading the Bible more and more. Getting down on my knees and praying more and more. I would just cry out to God. I still continued to see the shrink. She kept feeding me the pills and I kept taking them. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I started researching the medication. I slowly winged myself off them; One at a time. The sleeping pills were the worst. I had been taking them for almost 2 years. Thanks to God I was able to kick that habit.
Sometimes I had an okay day and then other days I was ready to scream and I disliked the world. It was like my life was on this roller coaster and I couldn’t stop it. I started realizing that I was pushing the people that I loved the most away. My husband was always there for me. I thank God for him and my love ones everyday. I stared learning more and more about God and I asked Him into my life; into my heart. I begged God to forgive me for all my sins. I confessed my sins and repented. I didn’t want to live a sinful life anymore.
As time went by I could tell God was changing me. All the things that I liked to do before; I begin to dislike them. I had stopped drinking when Bubba passed away with the help of God. It’s been over 2 years since I have drunk any alcohol. I was also one of those people that thought she had to say a “bad” word in every sentence. I begin changing; I didn’t like hearing those words anymore. It’s not that I thought I was better than anyone else. We are ALL God’s children and He loves us all. It’s just that I gave my life to Christ, so therefore I wanted to live for him. Sin separates us from God. We can NOT serve two masters; God gives us the choice and it’s up to us to choose and I choose to live my life for Jesus and I never want to go a day without Him.
My son, Andrew, and I continued going to church. It wasn’t long that my husband started going as well. As of today we have all joined the church and have all given our lives to our Lord Jesus Christ. We were all three Baptist in the year of 2005.
There’s no way I could have made it without God. It was God who helped me get out of my son’s bedroom. It was God who helped me stop drinking. It was God who helped me stop smoking. It was God who helped me stop cursing. It was God who helped me get off the prescription drugs. I give my God all the glory and praise.  Thank You God!
He is my strength! Without Him I am nothing!
I thank God for sending His Only begotten Son. I thank God for the Cross and I thank God for the precious blood of Jesus Christ; my Heavenly Father, my Savior and my Lord.
What Is My Belief?
The Bible to be the infallible Word of God; which it is His holy and inspired Word, and that it is of supreme and final authority.
In one God; eternally existing in three persons; the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Jesus Christ was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary. He led a sinless life, took on Himself all our sins, died and rose again, and is seated at the right hand of the Father as our mediator and advocate.
That all men everywhere are lost and face the judgment of God, and need to come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ through His shed blood on the cross.
That Christ rose from the dead and is coming soon.
Jesus talks about two types of people in the Bible. He talks about the just; being the righteous people and the unjust being the sinners. Either you are for God or against God. There are no “half- way” points.
“No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.
Do you know Jesus?
If you were to die today, this moment; would you go to heaven or hell?
I encourage you, if you do not know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior; Please get to know Him. We are none promised a tomorrow. JESUS CHRIST is the ONLY way into HEAVEN. You will either go to heaven or hell. There are no in-betweens. It's your choice. What will you choose?
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